Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. I appreciate the page numbers and, looking at these pages (in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), Im not entirely sure what youre talking about I see moralistic judgments occasionally spontaneously entering the conversation, then Rosenberg refocusing the conversations to something thats not about moralistic judgment To me, it looks like acknowledgement that people will bring moralistic judgments into conversations, but that we can keep returning to a non-moralistic frame. Be the first to write a review. And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. You also express concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. As an NVC practitioner, I dont try to block judgments from happening and I notice and acknowledge them as they arise, but I also dont dwell on them or believe that they are true. I take them as a signal that something needs attending to, and I look at the situation through the lens of (NVC-style) needs, and attend to the needs in play (mine and others). We learn to communicate clearly and effectively. You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. The examples you site are arguably examples where the need was not named as clearly as it might have been, or were named in ways that left you wanting to know more. Or, if the performer believes it when they hear You were great! it means buying into a frame where others get to determine how they feel about what theyve done, and theyll subsequently be more vulnerable to believing it when someone criticizes them, however unfairly. Messy talk and clean technology: communication, problem-solving and Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. In my judgment, hiding what you're doing is a form of deception, and deception is a form of violence." So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Dr. Rosenberg used these terms in a humorous, affectionate way, and that context often mitigated some of the risks for those who got the energy from which he was speaking. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. But, practices like The Work of Byron Katie engage more directly in helping people to break free of the traps their beliefs set for them. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. (Disagreements happen at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs; not at the level of the needs themselves.) One concern I might have about Clean Talk would be that it might miss an opportunity to support people in moving beyond the limiting traps created by their beliefs. Neither usage is intended to imply the sort of connotations conventionally associated with distinctions between wants and needs. Avoiding the word need when using NVC helps reduce the chances of people making these (understandable) associations with these words that are spurious to the actual intention. "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and . These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. Communicate privately with other cleaners from around the world. ALONG WITH . Youre so self-centered and only care about yourself., Your moodiness is ruining our relationship, Youre always late and its driving me crazy, Podcast #863: Key Insights From the Longest Study on Happiness, A Mans Guide to Black Tie: How To Wear A Tuxedo, A Mans Guide to Fragrance: How to Choose and Wear Cologne, How to Pick the Perfect Mens Wedding Ring, Your No-Nonsense Guide to Choosing the Right Beard Style, How to Grow a Beard: The One and True Guide, Beard Oil FAQs: Answering All Your Pressing Beardly Questions, Beard Grooming 101: The Lowdown on Products and Routine, How to Recognize a Quality Tie in 60 Seconds, Podcast #860: Get Fit, Not Fried The Benefits of Zone 2 Cardio. Moralistic language and judgments are used to talk about things that matter to people interpersonally. Note to self: Consider seeking more understanding around this point, to support assessing whether this is something I feel would add useful clarity. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. . Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. You talk about how Clean Talk invites the expression of a "second-level want" that "helps to bring into the open the real reason for the conversation", and say that it "often helps to resolve the conflict more effectively than any other component of the conversation." Id like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs]., Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a contaminated message. I notice that when I read this, I don't share or like the judgment of a "confusion of boundaries." If this is a visitor, the comment will be published. If you approached me with the Clean Talk expression, "I want to connect with you and then stopped talking, I might feel frustrated with you for beating around the bush, and putting the burden on me to figure out what you meant by that and to propose a way of addressing it. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. 100% Money-Back Guarantee.". The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. . I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other wont budge on giving her blessing, you might say, Im going to start spending every Saturday morning with them, and then follow through on that action. Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. Choose from Clean Talk stock illustrations from iStock. I am an NVC trainer. Do you really think thats a good idea?. CleanTalk has one of the biggest spam activity database of IP/email addresses. For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. That said, I have (only infrequently) had an experience of an NVC practitioner (who I assess as not very skilled) being so focused on reflecting feelings and needs that they couldn't "get" the meaning I was wanting to share with them. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. Theyre liable to answer: Im sorry, but this is the way I am! Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it eithernot a recipe for effective conflict resolution! What NVC recommends is that the speaker express how the other persons actions have contributed to them personally. Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. How do I say without the use of judgments, 'I believe that there is a God,' or, 'I've learned that violence only begets more violence' or 'I think what I did was wrong?. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. Readers will likely need to reference the essay,A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC),to make sense out of my responses. I haven't often seen people getting into this sort of trouble. I think there is lots of room for more nuanced presentation of this idea, and more nuanced advice about how to apply it in communication. Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding" them, and attending to what they point to in a different way. In this case, the judgment may still be present, but the driving energy that created, strengthened and sustained the judgment is likely to be gone or greatly weakened because Im not identified with believing the judgment or focusing on it, neither am I resisting it, and Im attending to the underlying concern that the judgment arose to call attention to. . Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. You say "Clean Talk's inclusion of judgments in its basic recipe (data, feeling, judgment, want) is based on a belief that human beings judge all the time, and that we must do so in order to survive. In my language, Id say human beings use discernment all the time, and must do so in order to survive; I think we agree on this. The result highly resilient work partnerships that produce positive performance. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a "candid, substantive, and constructive . We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. In the story I made up, there was a role play happening, and the person just wanted to know whether they were being asked to be themselves, or put themselves in another's shoes. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. Other NVC practitioners have had enough experiences like this that they didn't enjoy, that they have gotten to a point where they overcompensate in the other direction, and avoid using their connection skills in settings where people are trying to get things done. We specialize in helping clients navigate pivotal brand moments including establishing new-to-market identities as well as helping legacy brands reinvent themselves in competitive market segments. Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this.". Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. You suggest that Clean Talk recommends using Clean Talk only in specific situations, while Dr. Rosenberg seems to recommend using NVC all the time. This doesnt match my reading of what Rosenberg says he says (p. 8) its applicable in a wide variety of contexts, which is not the same as saying one should use it all the time.. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. Maybe fatigue, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to use? . establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. . The body's immune system can also function . (These are my own definitions, but they likely roughly correspond to what other NVC trainers would think of when they hear these terms. Cleantech Communication is the preeminent consultancy for trailblazing cleantech businesses serious about. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). I think that is both unnecessary and unwise." Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. Most often, I dont find that requests lead to these sort of problems. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. This is likely to take some processing. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. CleanTalk plugin sends action parameters into the CleanTalk cloud. Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. Reuters, Zurich. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. "Be present, open up, and do what's important," is the shorthand for the skills and . 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